17 Oct 2025 6 min read Blog

Ready or Not- Here I Come

Hey y’all,
I pray all has been well. I didn’t realize how much time had passed since I last wrote until a few people jumped on my head about it. I love writing, but I’ve been busy — and honestly, uninspired. I have to go through some things, reflect on some things, live some life, lol. So here we are: life lived, experience had, ready to share.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Y’all… ya girl has been hiding from God. 😂
And by “hiding,” I mean staying busy, distracting myself, doing those short, recited prayers and calling it “God Time.”

See what had happened was… I had a rough few days. I was irritable, and I always feel so guilty when my daughter ends up on the other side of that. Then my conversations with others weren’t edifying — they started to feel more like gossip — and that’s something God convicts me about over and over. So again, I felt like crap.

And I know the story of Adam and Eve — how they sinned, hid from God, and said, “We hid because we were afraid.” So I intentionally try not to hide when I feel guilty about my sin. I think about how different it could’ve been if, right after eating the fruit, they had called out to the Father for help instead of trying to fix it themselves. So I tried to do what’s right.

When the guilt, shame, and conviction hit, I confessed and repented. I acknowledged, “God, I can’t perfect myself. Only Your Holy Spirit can transform me. I need Your grace.” So I thought I hadn’t hidden from God — but really, I just threw it all at Him… and then I shut down before He could respond.

I have a tendency to do that in hard situations. I shut down emotions, relationships, and communication, and retreat internally. I push all those things away and go into “to-do-list mode” and push forward. I do this both with God and people.

So essentially, I was that toddler who went off into the corner of the room to poop. 😂 The parent knows what’s happening. The child knows the parent knows. They acknowledge each other — but there’s still that attempt to hide right out in the open.

I told on myself and then crawled under a rock, shut my eyes, and plugged my ears. I basically said, “I know You can see me. I know You’re there. But Ima just stay here until I feel better.” And I thought that was trusting God with me.

We’re Terrible Hiders

What God revealed was — yes, I brought it to Him, but after that, I had to sit with Him in the discomfort. I had to let Him speak and actually do His work. I needed to go through the process with Him. I can’t run from the discomfort of seeing my sin, guilt, and shame — and I for sure can’t fix it myself or wait until I’m feeling “good enough” to come back.

Even on my best day, I’m not righteous without Him.

God began showing me how deep this runs — how, since the fall, we humans have this built-in desire to cover and hide when we’re confronted with our true selves apart from Him. We use everything to hide: identity, work, productivity, even moralism. We think, “If I just try harder, if I’m a good person, then I’m alright.” But the truth is, there’s nothing we can do to make ourselves right with Him. God’s goal isn’t our performance; it’s relationship — honesty, connection, and presence.

That realization started making me look at my own patterns — not just with God, but in how I was raised and how I parent. So many of us were taught to be a “good boy” or “good girl” to be accepted and loved. That kind of upbringing can form two responses: we either strive endlessly to make ourselves good, or we give up and rebel. I’ve been the former. And now, as a mom, I catch myself repeating the same pattern: “Be a good girl. Behave. Don’t do that. Be like this.”

What that really teaches a child is only their “good” parts are safe — that their mess, emotions, imperfections, and mistakes have to be hidden. In return, they often will attribute this to how they approach God. I’ll either show You all of me because it’s safe, I’ll rebel because I can’t match up, or I’ll perform and work myself endlessly in hopes of receiving acceptance.

Covering with Perfection

This realization was sitting heavy on me this morning while I was driving and listening to Jackie and Preston on their podcast With the Perrys. They had Dallas Jenkins, the creator of The Chosen, on as a guest. I noticed his personality was a little rough around the edges — direct, matter-of-fact — but clearly, God was using him. Then I thought about another podcast I listen to, The Deep End with Taylor Welch. He’s also very bold, confident, even arrogant at times — and yet, God still uses him. I acknowledged how God may need to correct the arrogance, but also — it’s no different than the passivity He may correct in others.

I reflected on how my personality is often assertive, confident, direct, and organized. I spent much of my early adulthood trying to tone down that part of me to gain acceptance — shaping myself to fit in, to be liked, to be “normal.” But the truth is, I can’t make myself righteous or change how God created me. He’s either pleased with how He made me, or the Holy Spirit will do the transforming.

I didn’t arrive at that conclusion right away. I paused Spotify and felt in my spirit that it was time to be honest with God and stop hiding. I shared with Him how I’ve changed myself over the years to be accepted and have friends. I reflected on how, in this season, I keep working so hard to better myself — to be “good enough” to be some godly man’s wife. But that’s still performance disguised as preparation. I realized that in striving to earn acceptance, I’ve been inadvertently rejecting myself. Almost immediately, my attention shifted to my daughter.

She’s so much like me — goofy, assertive, passionate, a leader, strong-willed, mischievous. I’ve tried to mold those parts out of her because I’ve struggled to embrace them in myself. My fear is that if she doesn’t change, she won’t be accepted — that she’ll face the same criticism and rejection I did. So I try to reshape her into a “good Christian girl,” but in doing that, I’m really trying to change her — the way God made her — the same way I’ve struggled to make peace with how He made me. And because she reflects so much of who I am, I know that if I keep rejecting myself, I’ll never truly receive her for who she is. If my acceptance feels earned, she might think she has to work for His too.

The God Who Sees and Covers

I don’t want that for her, and I don’t want it for myself. I also recognize that I can’t “work” to change this. I can only surrender to the process, depend on the Holy Spirit, and keep sitting with the Father in the discomfort of being seen.

It’s truly a divine work to shift from moralism — trying to be “good” — to receiving unconditional love for myself, for my daughter, and for others. It’s hard to accept that even on my best days, I’m still flawed. But that tension makes room for more grace — unearned, unmerited love and the power to be changed by it. Experiencing His grace reminds me why I need a Savior. It humbles me, keeps my heart responsive to Him, and stirs a desire to live as a sacrifice, not a performance.

I understand it better now — at least in my head — but walking it out is something I’m still learning. God’s patience with me is amazing. He’s been intentional, shaping me gently, restoring my esteem, and even caring about how I see myself. But He keeps reminding me: even new confidence can become a cover if I’m not careful.

My only real covering — my only identity — is that I am in Christ. He is the only true covering.

When the Father looks at me, He sees the righteousness of His beloved Son. He’s showing me that He has seen all of me — every hidden place, every attempt to cover — and He loves me still. It’s my prayer that He continues to mature me- teaching me to live for His kingdom and not for myself.