Healing in the Waiting

Hey y’all,
Feels like it’s been a while. Just so you know, I have no idea how consistent these posts will be. It’s really just whenever I have time or feel inspired. Life be life’n, and I’m just rolling with it.

But anyways.... Lately, I’ve been hearing the same message over and over again about self-worth and God’s love. It’s been showing up everywhere—sermons, podcasts, books, prayers, conversations with friends.... So today I was like, “Okay Lord, this message is on repeat. I think I get it… am I missing something? Can I get a new message?” lol. And honestly… He came through.👏🏽

The Lord has been putting things on my heart about the upcoming season. I’m excited and definitely prayerful. But because these things haven’t happened yet, I find myself questioning. I start doubting, wondering if I heard correctly, wondering if I'm making stuff up, or I just flat out get impatient.

He has clearly told me over and over that I am in a preparation season and that I have to get ready so that I can manage the next season well. I realize that the subtle doubts have kept me paralyzed from taking action. While I have been consistent with praying, I've been inconsistent with the work after the prayer?

I began considering the Israelites in the wilderness—their “waiting season.” God allowed them to wander for 40 years, not to punish them, but to prepare them (Deuteronomy 8:2). He knew that if He brought them into the Promised Land too soon, they wouldn’t trust Him to win battles that looked impossible (Numbers 13:33; 14:3), and they may have adopted the culture and the gods of the people currently living there. (Deuteronomy 12:4, 12:30). Ultimately, their hearts weren’t ready, and the Lord wanted to teach them that He could be trusted—and that dependence on Him is a requirement to be blessed by Him (Deuteronomy 28:1–2).

When I consider God's hand in my "waiting season" I can see how he is molding me. He is preparing me for the things that he has for me. Preparing me to win battles that look impossible. Preparing me to hold on to his way of doing things versus our cultures pattern. Preparing me to trust him even when I can't understand. And like the Israelites I have to be trained.

Trained in dependance, patience, and faith.

DEPENDANCE

The Israelites had just left Egypt for the promise land. Though they were slaves in Egypt, they had access to food and knew where their next meal was coming from. The Lord led them into the desert where there wasn't any food in sight and he promised them that he would supply their needs daily. The Israelites often complained and feared that the Lord would allow them to parish in the desert.

“Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day.’”
—Exodus 16:4

The Lord gave them specific instructions to not save the food but rather eat it all in one day. However, some did not obey and attempted to save the food.

“Some of them kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell.”
—Exodus 16:20

I can only imagine how hard it must have been, to follow these instruction, to utilize all your resources at once, to not know when more would come, and your very life be dependent on this resource. I can only imagine the questions that ran through their mind, "Sure the Lord provided this, but what if he doesn't do it again?" "we are in the desert, there's nothing for miles, we don't know when our next meal will be?" "Will it really hurt if I save some?"

By the Lord only providing them a daily portion he taught them to rely on Him in every moment. By the Lord destroying the excess he taught them to follow his instructions thoroughly and that they cannot sustain themselves... These lessons in dependency had to be learned in order to secure the blessing of the promise land.

PATIENCE

In their waiting season the Israelites often struggled with a lack of patience. Moses was at the top of Mount Sinai with the people down below. On the mountain top God took his time and was intentional in giving specific instructions on how to govern the new nation. While Moses was on the mountain the people became inpatient and took things into their own hands.

“When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, ‘Come, make us gods who will go before us.’”
—Exodus 32:1

The people lost patience and assumed that Moses was not coming back. In their lack of patience they turned to what they knew from Egypt- idolatry. Instead of turning to God in prayer, or reflecting on his promises, they turned to what was comfortable.

We often do the same thing. When God takes longer than expected we often begin doubt in his promises. We get uncomfortable and start to lean on our own vices for comfort. Vices that are often completely counterproductive in preparing us for God's plan over our lives. Like the Israelites we forget to wait, pray, and reflect.

When we do not wait, pray, and reflect we often forget all that God has done for us. We forget what He’s capable of. When we do remember, we lose hope quickly that He’ll show up again like he did before. One of the enemies biggest schemes is placing doubt in our minds. Its been his strategy since Genesis.

“Did God really say…?”
—Genesis 3:1

Doubt can rob us of our purpose and that is why we must have Faith.

FAITH

Reading through Exodus, I realized something: you can’t build dependency on God or have patience without faith. The alternative to having faith is complaining, numbing, distracting, and taking things into our own hands. When we sidestep faith we delay the process or forfeit the blessing all together.

Every Israelite who lacked faith, patience, and dependence on God did not make it into the promise land. Even Moses could not enter because he didn’t trust God enough to demonstrate his holiness (Numbers 20:7–12).

Because of their Faith, Patience, and Dependence on God, Joshua and Caleb were the only two Israelites who left Egypt and made it into the promise land:

“...because they followed the Lord wholeheartedly.”
—Numbers 32:12

They demonstrated their faith by being the only two spies who believed they could take the land when everyone else was terrified. When the other ten spies came back saying, “The people are giants! We’re like grasshoppers compared to them!” (Numbers 13:33), Joshua and Caleb stood up in faith and said:

“If the Lord is pleased with us, He will lead us into that land… Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid…”
—Numbers 14:8–9

They saw the same giants and walked the same land as the other spies. But their response was rooted in faith, not fear. They remembered what God had already done and trusted that He would do it again. Their faith allowed them to walk into all the blessings in which God had for them.

Having faith has always been difficult for me. As I reflect on it now, I think it’s because my faith has been under attack for years—through cognitive distortions and honestly, probably through spiritual warfare too.

(Okay wow—here comes the self-esteem stuff again! I wasn’t planning this. This part is literally coming to me while I’m editing.)

Here’s what I’ve realized:
I’ve always had faith in Christ, his goodness, and my salvation.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that He had good things in store for me.
I lost faith in my own worth.
I started expecting less—not just from life, but from God.

I expect the mundane.
I expect things to be lackluster.
I expect to be overlooked, dismissed… disposable.
I learned to call it “contentment,” but really it was resignation.
A quiet giving up.
“This must be all I’m going to get.”

With these beliefs, no wonder it is hard to put actions after the prayers.

That's deep.

But it’s also clear: this is where the Lord wants to heal me.
It's the next step in this identity and purpose journey I’ve been on.

I asked Him for a new message, and He didn’t just give me a new one—He built on the last.
He’s such a good, wise, patient, and creative Father.
He knows exactly how to meet me where I am.

Lord,
I pray that you heal my heart and mind from every attack that has diminished my faith. I ask for strength and discipline to submit to these new lessons in dependence, patience, and faith. I pray that you continue to prepare me. Holy spirit I pray that you fill me with gratitude and free me from a complaining tongue. Allow me to always be aligned with you, put my faith in you alone, and I pray that I can make you proud through your sons blood and my reliance on you. I ask that you be with every one of my readers. Express to them how much you love them and how you have a purpose for each and every one of them.
I love you. Thank you. In Christ name I pray.
Amen.

I had a more polished ending but Holy spirit took over.

-We Breathe.